Willem is a good boy.

Today, Willem is going to be a good boy. Do you know why? That’s right – Willem has been in a spot of trouble recently, hasn’t he? See the hospital records. He is going to stay at home today and do lots of household jobs. Yvonne is going out to lunch with her friend Melanie.

See Willem frown. Willem does not like Melanie very much. He thinks she is a bit blousy. Do you know what ‘loose’ means?

Yvonne finishes getting ready.

“I’m off now,” she says. “I hope that you’ll behave yourself whilst I am gone.”

Willem says that he will.

Yvonne walks into town. This is because she might have a very small glass of wine with her lunch. It is very naughty to drive after a drink, isn’t it?

She gets to the restaurant just before one o’ clock. The restaurant is called ‘The Meat ‘n Plaice’. This is called a play on words. Isn’t it funny?

A few minutes later Melanie arrives. They say hello to each other and go into the restaurant where they have a table booked. The waiter brings them a menu and asks if they would like a drink.

Melanie says “Yes please” and they order a bottle of wine each. Melanie watches him walk away. She likes him.

They look at the menu. Melanie says to Yvonne that she is going to try the special of the day. It is roast pork cooked in a cider sauce. Doesn’t that sound good?

Yvonne says that she will try it too. Melanie says that as well as sage and onion stuffing it comes with a spicy pepper dressing.

“I won’t have that,” she says, “It’s too strong.” Yvonne agrees.

The waiter comes to the table with the wine and asks to take their order. When he has written it down he says that it will be cooked as quickly as possible but they are very busy. Melanie and Yvonne do not mind. They have lots to talk about and lots of wine.

After a long time the food arrives. It is delicious and they eat as quickly as they can. When they have finished they order Irish coffee and then there is a tragic accident. As he pours the cream onto the coffee the waiter drops the jug. What a mess. He apologises.

As they are drinking their coffee Yvonne notices that Melanie is looking elsewhere. She asks what she can see. Melanie is looking at a man.

“He is very good looking,” she says. Yvonne agrees and asks Melanie why he is wearing a uniform. She says that he is from the naval college.

A few minutes later dozens of his college chums arrive. They have finished their courses and are having a party. What fun.

Melanie wants to stay, but Yvonne wants to go home so they leave.

When Yvonne gets home she catches Willem upstairs with the vacuum cleaner. “What are you doing?” she says.

Willem says that while she was gone he has washed up, fixed a window with a loose hinge and thought it would help if he put the cleaner round.

Yvonne is very pleased.

“Did you have a nice time,” Willem asks.

“Oh yes,” says Yvonne. “It was fantastic. Melanie thought that the waiter was very nice and told him that she couldn’t wait to get some hot pork in cider. So I thought I would like it as well. I told him that we both just wanted stuffing. He said he would do his best for us but we could expect it to take a long time. We were very happy. His pork was fantastic and I gobbled as much of it as I could. Then he splashed cream everywhere. There was seamen wherever you looked. Melanie was keen to stay but I had had enough. Perhaps we could go there together one day. I’m sure that you would like it as well.”

See Willem staring.

Do you know what ‘lost for words’ means. Willem does.

The Chadband editorial

Willem helps out.

Today, Willem is going to help out at the local motorbike shop. They are having an open day and Willem is going to help with the test rides. He is very excited. He has to wear a reflective jacket. Isn’t it bright?

Willem is early, and helps the staff at the motorbike shop to put up the stands and get all the motorbikes out. Soon, customers start to arrive and to book their test rides. Willem is starting to get impatient but very soon all the demonstrator bikes are booked for the first ride of the day, and away they go. See Willem leading. Isn’t his jacket bright? Can you spell fluorescent?

Willem takes all the bikes on a very pretty route. He has been told to ride slower than he usually does – it’s very naughty to speed, isn’t it? – but he enjoys himself and so do all the customers. The day quickly passes and soon it’s time to pack everything up.

Just as the bike shop closes and Willem is getting ready to go home he gets a surprise.

“Hello Willem.” It is Mrs Boothroyd, his neighbour.

“Hello, Mrs Boothroyd,” says Willem. He likes Mrs Boothroyd. Can you see him blush? “What are you doing here?”

Mrs Boothroyd tells Willem that she has passed her Direct Access Test and can now ride any motorbike, even one the same size as Willem’s. She is very sorry though, because she wasn’t able to book a test ride because she was so late.

Willem is very sorry for Mrs Boothroyd. Do you know what a soft touch is?

“Would you like to try my motorbike?” he says.

“Oh, yes, please,” says Mrs Boothroyd.

Willem tells her that they will have to go to the nearby Industrial Estate because the roads there are much quieter and that she will need to be very careful because she is not really insured.

Off they go. When they get to the Industrial Estate, Mrs Boothroyd is very nervous. She tells Willem that she learnt on a much smaller motorbike and she is a little apprehensive. Isn’t apprehensive a funny word?

She sits on Willem’s bike, and then tries to ride off. She stalls the bike. She says that she is very sorry and Willem tells her not to worry.

“You’re too tense,” he says. “You’re gripping the bars too tightly and your lower body needs to relax as well – don’t grip the tank so hard with your knees.”

Mrs Boothroyd tries again, and soon she is riding up the road, turning round and riding back down again. She is very pleased.

“Thank you, Willem,” she says, “I really enjoyed this. It was tiring though.”

Willem is, too. He’s very glad that he could help and so he gives Mrs Boothroyd a lift home. Do you think that is wise?

Willem goes into the house and says hello.

“Hello Willem,” says Yvonne. “Did you have a good day? And who was that on the back of your bike?”

“Oh, yes,” says Willem. “It was good fun at the bike shop and I got to wear an official jacket. But it was more fun later when everyone else had gone. Mrs Boothroyd was there and said that she really wanted a go. I asked her if she’d like to try mine and we went somewhere quiet together. She looked at mine and said that it was bigger than she was used to and she might not be able to handle it properly. She was right because she was very tense and I couldn’t get her started until she loosened her grip and relaxed her knees. Very soon I didn’t have to do anything and just watched as she went up and down for ages. She was very good at it, and I really enjoyed it so I gave her a lift home because she was tired. If you don’t mind I thought I’d pop round later and ask her if she fancied another session now that she’s used to the size of it. Would you like to come and watch?”

Do you know why Yvonne is rummaging in the cutlery drawer?

Poor Willem.

Author’s note.

A certain Dutch member of the club, who shall remain nameless, has suggested that I am being far too irreverent towards such esteemed persons as our Chairman and his wife the Treasurer.

So I thought that, for a change, I would be irreverent towards someone with a great deal of authority. I just hope He has a sense of humour.

I originally intended this for the newsletter before Easter (for obvious reasons) but due to incompetence on my part (I lost the file) here it is, a month late.

A NEW TAKE ON A FAMOUS EVENT

 

Scene: A nondescript room in a Jerusalem tavern. Eleven disciples are sitting round the table. The door opens. Enter Thomas.

(To be read in a cockney accent)

Thomas:           Alright lads?

 

All:                   Alright Thomas?

Peter                About time too. Where’ve you been?

Thomas            Oh, ‘ere and there, you know …. Bit of this, bit of that… anyway, what’s going’ on? Why’d you call me? (taps the side of his nose and winks) I gotta tasty little number to get back to…

Peter                Shut up you slag. You know why. The Lord Jesus has risen from the grave and want’s a word in our shell likes.

Thomas            Pull the other one Pete. You know he was only larkin’ about with all this resurrection stuff – and what’s with this Lord business?

Matthew           (pompously) He wasn’t larkin about Mr Smarty. An’ he’s Lord now ‘cos he’s demonstrated once and for all that he’s the Son of God by cheatin’ the grave.

 

Thomas            Leave it out. I’ll believe it when I see it.

(The door opens. Enter Jesus)

Jesus:              Hello boys.

All (not T)         Lord –

Thomas            ‘Ere, who the ‘ell’s this? It don’t ‘alf look like Him, I’ll give you that. Now who’s bright idea was it to set this up? Bloody poor taste in jokes I reckon’.

Jesus:               Thomas, Thomas. It is Me.

Thomas            You ‘avin’ a laugh, are you? Do you want some? You don’t fool me for one moment……..

Jesus               (smiles) No Thomas it really is Me. Look. Got ‘oles in Me hands an’ everythin’.

Thomas            (pokes finger into wound) Bloody ‘Ell – it’s real – it IS You – ooh that’s gross, that is. An’ them ribs an all. That must ‘ave bloody ‘urt. Sorry Jesus, no offence, but you must admit there’s some tasty scams goin’ on these days an’ I thought we was bein’ conned.

Jesus               (nods) Don’t blame you my son, better safe than sorry, that’s what I always think. Now, I wanted a word with you lot about our mission to the people, but first I’ve a bit o’ unfinished business to take care of… Judas!

Judas               (looks furtive) Yes Lord?

Jesus               Little bird tells me somethin’ I don’t much like. I ‘ear it was you what grassed me up to the filth. Well? Anything to say?

Judas               (looks furtive) I never!!

Jesus               (sighs) Judas. Son. Look, it was my Dad what told me, an’ ‘e tends to know stuff, don’t ‘e? Now I understand that money might ‘ave been involved an’ I can understand that it would be tempting for you what with your poverty like, and your likin’ for the sauce, so come clean. How much?

Judas               (looks down at feet, shuffles about a bit. Matthew clips him round the ear) Ow! ……. Thirty pieces of silver, Lord.

Jesus:              Thirty?! Thirty?! I despair. You silly sod. You should have stuck out for a ‘undred at least. (To all) I sometimes wonder what you’ll get up to when I finally go up to heaven. (to Judas) Look. Tell you what. You know I preach a creed of love and foregiveness and that there’s a certain amount of predestination in your actions so ere’s what we’re goin’ to do. ‘And over the money an’ we’ll say no more about it. Now, can’t say fairer than that, can I?

Judas               (quietly) ‘Aven’t got it.

Jesus               Leave it out. What d’ya mean, ‘aven’t got it?

Judas               Threw it away

Jesus               Threw it away??

Judas:              Well, y’see, I was so overcome by grief and remorse brought on by the stupidity of my actions that I thought it just was’n’ right to profit from them. So I threw it away.

Jesus               What? All of it?

Judas: Yep.

Jesus:              You tit. We could ‘ave ‘ad a real blinder of a leavin’ do when I go upstairs – lap dancers an’ all. (to all) An’ don’t anyone even think of mentionin’ that remark to Mary M. (To Judas) Go on, sling your hook. I don’t want to see your stupid face for a few hours. An’ when you come back it would be nice to have a proper apology an’ all.

Judas               Yes Lord (turns to leave)

Jesus:              One more thing Judas. I’m ‘appy to forgive an’ forget ‘an all that, but if I was you I’d stay out of Me Dad’s way. ‘E’d got a right strop on earlier an’ you know He can be a bit ‘asty with His retribution. Know what I’m sayin’?

 Curtain

Willem buys a present.

Today, Willem is going to buy a birthday present for Yvonne. Have you ever forgotten anyone’s birthday? Willem did last year. See the faded scars. This year he is not going to get caught out.

He has decided to buy a nice potted plant like a begonia. What fun. Willem drives to the garden centre in his car because it is difficult to carry a plant on his motorbike.

The garden centre is very busy but Willem manages to find a parking space. He goes in through the entrance and finds that it is all very confusing with lots and lots of people. Multitude is a long word that means lots and lots of people, but it can be hard to spell. Can you spell multitude?

Willem smiles because he sees someone he knows. He goes over and says “Hello Mrs. Boothroyd.” It is his neighbour. She is dressed very neatly in a uniform and is carrying a big pile of uniforms in plastic bags. Mrs. Boothroyd says hello to Willem and he asks her what she is doing there. She says that she has just started a new job there and as well as helping to serve customers she is in charge of the laundry service for the staff uniforms.

“What brings you here?” she asks. Willem is tempted to say a car but that is the sort of sarcastic comment his friend Dave would make and Willem does not want to be rude to Mrs. Boothroyd. Willem likes Mrs. Boothroyd.

“I’m going to buy a begonia for Yvonne,” he says. “It’s her birthday.”

“That’s nice,” says Mrs. Boothroyd, “But I’ve got a better idea. We have some new stock which isn’t on display yet. Come through to the stockroom and I’ll show you.”

What luck. Willem follows Mrs. Boothroyd. When they get to the stockroom she drops the uniforms onto the floor and takes Willem over to the new stock.

Willem is enthralled. It is a collection of miniature plants. Isn’t miniature a funny word? He asks Mrs. Boothroyd what they are called and she picks one up.

“They are called Bonsai. This is lilac. It’s just like what you would have in the garden but much, much smaller. Smell the perfume.”

Willem obediently smells it. Then Mrs. Boothroyd shows him how you can trim it by using small scissors. She lets Willem try.

Willem decides against the lilac and instead buys a tiny oak tree, less than twelve inches high, complete with a stand and a cover. Mrs. Boothroyd goes to get a box and some wrapping paper. Then Willem is very naughty.

He sees Mrs. Boothroyd’s lunch. She has been eating some cereal with honey dripped onto it. Willem likes honey. He quickly scoops some out of the jar with his fingers and just manages to finish it and clean his fingers before she gets back. He feels guilty and hopes she doesn’t notice.

Mrs. Boothroyd comes back looking agitated. She tells Willem that he will have to wrap the present himself because the drains are blocked and she has to find someone to clear them quickly. She says that it is awful that she will have to pay someone for something like this.

Willem is very practical. He knows about things like this.

“Do you have any drain rods?” he asks. Mrs. Boothroyd says that they do, but none of the staff know how to use them. Willem feels smug. He does.

“I’ll do it for you,” he says and Mrs. Boothroyd takes him to where the blocked drains are.

Willem quickly screws the rods together and uses them to clear the blockage. It is much harder than he expected and he stops several times to wipe sweat from his brow. Eventually he has finished, and he cleans the rods as he puts them away.

“There you are,” he says. “Let me know if it needs doing again.”

Mrs. Boothroyd is very grateful and lets Willem have the tree for nothing as it would have cost a lot of money to call out Dynarod. Willem thought that Dynarodâ was the new Harley Davidson ä. Mrs. Boothroyd laughs.

She wraps the present and Willem goes home.

Yvonne is waiting in the lounge.

“You’ve been gone a long time,” she says. “I hope you have been behaving yourself.”

“Oh, yes,” says Willem. “I’ve bought you a birthday present.” Actually this is a fib. He didn’t actually buy it, did he? Should we tell Yvonne? Probably not.

Yvonne unwraps the tree. She is delighted.

“This must have cost a lot of money,” she says, and Willem agrees. See him blush. See how one fib leads to another.

Willem rushes on, eager to change the subject.

“You’ll never guess who works at the garden centre,” he says, and tells Yvonne how he met Mrs. Boothroyd there.

“She asked me to go out to the stockroom with her, because she had something special for me. When we got there, she quickly dropped all her clothes onto the floor and showed me her little bush. She said that it is easy to keep it tidy by trimming it with scissors and let me have a go. I had a very close look at it and it smelled lovely. I was a bit naughty then and dipped two fingers into her honey pot. I had to lick them clean and then I was able to give her a good rodding. I had to push in real deeply and hard and took quite a while. I was sweating at the end but it was worth it because she was very grateful. She said that she would have expected to pay quite a lot for that sort of thing so I offered to do it whenever she needed it.”

Hasn’t it gone quiet?

Wait. Can you hear the sound of an oak tree crashing against bone?

Poor Willem.

Now settle down youngsters while I tell you a story of the olden days.

Unfortunately I’m not yet so old that I can start a story with “During the War…” but I’m not far off. You may think that this is the rambling of a confused and semi-senile old mind but trust me (I’m a doctor) and you’ll find that it is only too relevant to recent events within TDMCC.

You may also think, looking at the less than athletic figure I display today, that what follows is mere fabrication; you’d be wrong. I promise that it’s true – I honestly couldn’t make this up.

All through my twenties I pursued an active sporting life. Strangely, for I am not a violent person, I had found an affinity for rugby but after many years it started to lose its appeal. Then, in the early eighties, I discovered American Football. This offered me much more scope for legalised violence and I took it up with a will. It’s best to avoid the debate about how soft the Americans are, needing all that padding to play a game. Let me assure you, being clattered by a sixteen stone amateur psychopath – even with padding – is quite an experience.

Although we were a novice team we had attracted players with experience and one of those took me to task one day when we were suiting up for training. His name was Laurence and he advised me to wear a box for better protection. Now, I am very fond of Mr Dangly and his two wrinkly bald friends and this piece of advice nagged at me. The fact that throughout ten years of rugby I had never once been injured there counted for nothing and eventually I bought a box and started to wear it.

You need to understand that American Football teams have two main units – the offence (who carry the ball and try to score) and the defence (who basically just stop the offence). Although your team’s offence will play against the other team’s defence, in training it’s obviously your own offensive and defensive units who play against one another.

I was on defence and Laurence was on offence.

Some weeks later we were paired off in an exercise our coaches had devised. Laurence started with the ball about five yards from the goal line and I started without it about five yards the other side of the line. Two marks gave about a four yard wide target zone. The ball carrier had to cross the line and I had to stop him.

There could only be a winner, never a draw, and you were encouraged to win by a variety of sadistic punishments if you failed. Suffice to say I was quite keen to avoid fifty press ups in full kit or something similar so as the whistle blew I set off very quickly. So did Laurence. If you hit hard and low anyone will go down – you can’t run if your legs are knocked out from under you. So I ploughed into him head first at about mid thigh.

One thing I haven’t yet mentioned is that Laurence was also a flash git. A week or so previously a pro footballer on television, in a similar game situation, had hurdled the defender as he dived in and went on to score. Laurence tried it.

Unfortunately, he mistimed his jump and, instead of leaving me sprawling on the ground, introduced his soft bits to my helmet which was moving with quite a velocity. I have never heard such screams.

Laurence wasn’t wearing his box.

And the reason? He’d had a vasectomy at the start of the week and was too sore to wear it.

No doubt you’ll all be pleased to know that my head was fine.

Dedicated to Nigel Lawrence – and believe me, the other guy’s name really was Laurence. I’ve still got a match day programme to prove it.